Children’s behaviour can often be puzzling and challenging for parents, educators, family and caregivers. Many times, it’s easy to assume that they are manipulating us for attention, rewards, or to get their way. However, scientific research suggests that children, especially younger ones (birth-8), are less skilled at manipulation than we might think. Especially in the manner it’s used. Instead, their behaviour is often a form of communication. In this article, we will explore the science behind why children can’t manipulate and what they might be trying to express.

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The Developing Brain:

One of the key reasons why children can’t manipulate effectively is their developing brains. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for executive functions like planning and strategizing, is not fully developed in children. It’s not fully developed until the age of 25, as backed by the National Institute of Mental Health “The brain finishes developing and maturing in the mid-to-late 20s. The part of the brain behind the forehead, the prefrontal cortex, is one of the last parts to mature. This area is responsible for planning, prioritizing, and making good decisions.” This means that they lack the cognitive abilities necessary for sophisticated manipulation.

Emotional Expression:

Children often express their emotions through their behaviour because they may not have the words to convey their feelings. Tantrums, crying, and even defiance are ways to communicate their emotional state rather than calculated manipulation. With a growing vocabulary and everyday new experiences, young children aren’t truly capable of understanding the context, knowledge and wisdom to grasp the depth of the language they’re learning. That’s why many people have experienced young children saying mean or hurtful things. They may know it can cause a rise in emotion in the receiver, but they cannot understand the weight of their words.

Seeking Attention and Connection:

Children have a natural need for connection and attachment. When they seek attention. Whether you’re their primary caretaker or educator, the emotional need of a child is selfish for good reason. They’re dependent on adults to care for them in every way possible. To deflect their cries or motives for gaining your attention as manipulation downplays their feelings and invalidates their experience. It’s about fulfilling their innate desire for a secure bond with their caregivers.

Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby, emphasizes the importance of secure emotional bonds in childhood. Children’s attempts to get attention are rooted in their need for attachment, not manipulation.

Testing Boundaries:

Children are naturally curious and explore the boundaries set by their caregivers. This exploration is a part of their development and learning process rather than manipulation.

The work of child development experts like Jean Piaget highlights how children go through stages of cognitive development, including a location where they test and learn from boundaries.

Cognitive Development:

Children may experiment with different behaviours to understand cause and effect as they grow and learn. This is not manipulation but a part of their cognitive development. Research in developmental psychology shows that children’s cognitive abilities evolve as they age, affecting their understanding of the consequences of their actions.

Understanding children’s behaviour is essential for effective raising of a child. By recognizing that children can’t manipulate the way adults do, we can respond to their needs more empathetically and support their healthy development. Remember that their actions are often rooted in their emotional, cognitive, and developmental needs rather than manipulation.

By approaching children’s behaviour with patience, love, and an understanding of its science, we can build stronger and more nurturing relationships with the young.

Book a free consultation today if you’re ready to take the next step in becoming a client and changing your mindset and life!

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U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (202). The Teen Brain: 7 Things to Know. Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-toknow#:~:text=The%20brain%20finishes%20developing%20and,prioritizing%2C%20and%20making%20good%20decisions.